Review52

Last night, I wrote an article for a magazine (mymagazinesouthoakland.com). The editor sent me an email about how much she loved the article and requested a professional portrait for my byline. This spun me into a huge frenzy. As a Facebook addict, I've posted thousands of pictures. Yes, THOUSANDS. But I find it hard to pose for a picture. I was under pressure. That's never a good look. What I actually needed was a professional photographer. Instead it was me in a room with my 7 dogs trying to capture a moment.

So this morning, I did my hair, slapped on a thick coat of makeup and put on a lady top. When I say lady top- that's the exact opposite of what I normally wear- which is a black wife-beater. Because black is slimming. And a wife-beater is a good look if you have nice, trim arms. But ya.... not so much.

Anyhoo. For Mother's Day, my son Danny bought me a selfie stick. Your first clue that you take too many selfies is when your son buys you a selfie stick.

I put my phone at the end of the 5 foot stick and tried to appear casual, professional and relaxed while I sweat to death in the lady top. I swear. I took 100 pictures thinking I was all cute. I did staged lighting, natural lighting and put myself on a backdrop. Because if nothing else, I am the kind of gal that rocks a backdrop.

Then, I washed my face and changed back into my black yoga pants. But I don't do yoga anymore. I just wear the yoga pants just in case. I've been stagnant  for about 53 years, but ya never know. I have the costume on. That has to count for something.

Then, I planted my fat ass at my desk and started looking at the pictures. I deleted 98 of them as I reviewed them. I kept two pictures. I sent this one to my twenty year old daughter. She sent me back a text that said "awwwww"

She could only muster up an "awwwww." I can't blame her. I look mental. She's probably worried that in 33 years she will look like me. Poor dear.

In 99 of the pictures I look like a moron. Like... my eyes were crossed, my attempt at cleavage failed, my hair was too 80's looking and oh ya... there was that one where the selfie stick showed. That was such a cute one.

Then, I found ONE picture that with the proper amount of filters, cropping, airbrushing, adjusting the saturation and turning it into a black and white photo- which pretty much means it doesn't resemble me at all- THAT one doesn't look too bad. I should note that in this photo, one of my eyes is significantly larger the other. And in real life, one of my eyes is significantly larger than the other. My head is also at an odd angle, but that is to be expected because I am trying to balance a phone at the end of a fucking stick while I appear casual, professional and relaxed.

Right now, I am exhausted or I would (for sure) note all of the other flaws in my appearance. But here's the story. In two weeks I will be 53 years old. In 47 years I will be 100. So ya. I guess this is the picture for the byline.